LANCASTER'S FAVORITE BAND        

 Our story and Bill’s story starts with our immigrant grandparents arrival to the New World.Grandpa Sven Toke (pronounced Tokay) and his wife Brunhilda had 3 children: Gunnar, Thor and Ingrid.
       
         Our father Gunnar “Black Sheep “ Toke  died a mysterious death and our overstressed mother
Geraldina “ Gerry “ Garcia abandoned us at Smokey Joe’s Tavern in Haight Ashbury as mere infants
wrapped in sheet music.
       
            Cousin Bill was the lucky one. Uncle Thor was a plant manager  , a model citizen, a real Kiwanis, Jay Cee type.Little Wilhelm ( Cousin Bill) was a model student, hardworking,
cooperative and brilliant in all subjects , except for music in which he had no obvious talent !!
 
             Cousin Bill graduated Magna Cum Laude from Princeton with a dual major in International
relations and linguistics. With such knock out credentials as these , it was surely inevitable that Bill
found his way into the inner sanctum of Mc Donalds -----------  slinging burgers   !!!!!!!!!

          

        Princeton U : Cousin Bill's Alma Mater ... Cousin Bill's first job : greeting the folks at Mickey Dees
   
              Wilhelm (oops) Cousin Bill found the work tedious. He began to flip the burgers and bang the
spatula on the griddle to the tunes playing on the 8 track that blasted in the kitchen. But beyond tedium,
Bill was stressed by the constant seductive attentions paid to him by the hordes of love struck pimply
teeny boppers that he worked with . Incredibly shy , and with the moral fortitude of a straight arrow
eagle scout, he was embarrassed by the reputation he acquired as the boy toy ” stud muffin “ of Mickey
Dees.
     
               Bill knew that his destiny lay elsewhere. Without hesitation he walked to the nearest
recruitment office and joined the Marines. With his high IQ , work ethic and devotion to Mom , Apple Pie
and the American Way, plus his experience in linguitics he soon found a slot in Military intelligence.
Here with his knowledge of Arabic, Norwegian, Slovak ,Vietnamese and Russian and with special
forces training he found himself employed in a string of classified missions throughout the Seven
Continents.
 
             

     " Cousin Bill " scales the Berlin Wall !  Map of secret mission in Kosovo !
      
              Darfor, Kosovo, Rwanda, Kuiwait and many more were on his regular beat. Despite his
shyness, Bill was a tiger sent out on the most dangerous missions that the others shied away from. He
so often  tunneled under the Berlin wall to carry out covert operations against the Russkies ,  that the
Germans called him the “ Prairie Dog” . His opponents at the KGB , who feared this American Mad Dog ,  called him “ Muzhik “ which is Russian for “ THE MAN ”  
       
          Then one day Bill began a  oddessey that would change his life forever. A new marine
commander Col Oliver Nurth , turned to his assistant Sgt Rock and said “ we need to get our most
fearless operative behind the lines to see what the Kokoms ( North Korean Communists ) are up to . 
Sgt Rock said without hesitation  “ I’ll get Major Wilhelm “ !!!!
        
          At 0-700 Cousin Bill reported for the mission that would change his life. “ Major Wilhelm , rumor
has it that Kim Jung Il  , that maniac, has a high powered laser that can be operated from a Scud
missile.”  “  Is that serious”, asked Bill? “ You betcha dupa it is” , barked Col Nurth ,” Why that tinned
horned dictator could  FRY  Washington D.C. like a dried out turd” !!!!!!! 

         

   " Cousin Bill " prepares the mission !   This scud could" fry Washington like a dried up turd !"
        
              Bill had no fear for his life but he did point out what would have been obvious to any student in 
Mr Cermak’ s seventh grade Geography class . “ I speak Vietnamnese but not Korean , I’ll stand out like
a sore thumb”   But Col Nurth wasn’t taking no for an answer, besides that Nurth said “  Don’t worry ,
one Gook lingo is about the same as another.” !!~! “  “   Sgt Rock added,  “ Remember to blend in and
disquise your self as lowly peasant”
  
              In a few hours Bill found himself parachuting into North Korea. Standing 6 ft 3 inches and
weighing a muscular 205 in a land of  5 ft  tall famine ravaged dwarf peasants Bill did indeed stand out
like a sore thumb. Speaking Vietnamnese wasn’t a big help in avoiding unwanted attentions. Despite
his “ Charlie Chan” makeup, Bill was soon detained by the Kokom Border Guards. “ Oh wow Kwan, look
at that American Six Footer speaking Vietnamnese and looking like Charlie Chan on steroids, he’s a
bright one.” !!!!!!!!

          

          North Korean Troops spot " Cousin Bill" and detain him !
  
               Bill was placed in a dungeon in Kim Jung Il's “ palace of the people”
 Kim Jung Il  himself came down to the dungeon to inspect this American Captive. Bill , without
hesistation spat in Kim’s face. “ Oh this Yankee Devil, he is a tough one, proceed with the water torture
and break his Red, White and Blue Spirit’ !!!

          

          Kim JUNG IL  orders water torture !      CLICK HERE!
  
            For the next six months Bill was subjected to dripping water upon his forehead. But the Kokom
torturers are humans too and have long ago found the sounds of a steady drip to be monontinous.
Therefore with devious oriental cunning they had rigged a smuggled  Apple I Pod to drip to 99 varied
rythms.
  
              After six months they had failed to break Major Bill who laughed at thier pathetic efforts. But a
curious thing happened. Late at night when the famine weakened guards would doze off, Bill a man of
no known musical talent began to bang against the wall with his chop sticks , beats that would have
made Ginger Baker proud. It seems that six months of varied water drips had been internalized into
Bill’s Brain. “ I swear , when I finally escape I will find my Cousins Mike and  Baby bro Toke and join
their band”
         
          He never lost hope even when he lost 70 pounds on the kokom rations of five grains of rice a
day and fried rat turds.  With that vision of the band in his mind , no torture could break Bill’s Spirit. The Kokoms tried everything, electric shock, whippings with a rubber hose, They even subjected Bill to a nonstop week of Barry Manilow music. Kim il Sung was furious !!! “ Send for Major- Kim Mee Kan Ja “ cried out the Dictator , “ She must use her charms to make him talk” !!!

          

          Kim Mee Kan Ja uses her " allure" to interogate " Cousin Bill !
 
  A quick note for conspiracy buffs who look for coded meanings , try substituting the letter G for K in
 Kim Mee Kan Ja’s name.
   
               Kim Mee was indeed a true Korean Beauty. She came before Cousin Bill, day after day ,
dressed like a cheap floozy from a Fredericks of Hollywood catalougue. But Bill resisted her every
untoward advance. “ I just need to think about mom’s apple pie” thought Bill as he closed his  eyes and
smelled the sweet aroma of cinamonin in his mind. Nothing could break Bill !!!!!
       
          No , it was Kim Mee Kan Ja who broke. !!!!
    
          She stood before Bill In awe of his Yankee Spirit,  Now she knew what  it was to be American  “
Oh Billysahn, I wanna be American too, let me help you escape!! ”  With her knowledge of the prison
complex they were soon outside the walls of the “House of the People” and were on their way to the
shore. There Bill manfully garroted three members of the Kikom Shore patrol and absconded with thier
patrol boat. Speeding past the Kokom missile sight Bill skillfully fired the boats fourty millimeter cannons at the laser equiped scud missile setting back the Kokom secret project for years.

          

        "Cousin Bill "blasts Kokom secret Scud Missle !
         
           Kim Mee and Bill then  set a course across the South China Sea for the Phillipines. It was there
that tragedy struck so close to the entrance of Manila Bay and freedom. A giant Sunami wave
overturned the craft. Kim Mee  was flung into the ocean. Bill manfully plunged into the waters to save
her. But it was too late , she was being devoured by sharks!!  Bill could only look in horror as she
gurggled out her last words “ I Love you Wilhelm  !!  ,“ I love you too “ he cried out  !!!

          

           Kim Mee's final moments and tragic end !
       
               Bill was picked up by a passing freighter and eventually brought to the United States. After
recuperation from his ordeal, he looked up his cousins Mike and Kevin Toke. “  Kevin asked, “  Bill is it
really you ? “ It was true that Bill’s appearance had greatly changed, torture and starvation will do that.
 
                Bill opened his shirt and there on his chest was the Toke family birthmark in the shape of a
cannabis leaf, indentical to the birthmarks that Kevin and Mike bore on their chests. 

  “ Mike, I want to join the band. “ “ But Bill “ , said Mike “ you have no obvious music talent. !!!!!
  With that Bill sat down by a set of Ludwigs and pounded out a drum solo that would have sent Ringo
  Starr into fits of envy.  CHECK THIS
 
               At last the Toke Brothers and Cousin Bill were united in their new mission to spead the joy of
acoustic retro rock across the nation and the world !!!!!
             
                It is remotely possible that portions of this story might bear some slight resemblance to the
truth,........... but don’t count on it.

 If you wish to respond or write comments on “Cousin Bill’s - Sad, Sad Saga,“
proceed to the Toke Guestbook.       

          Author :  Bulshido Fulov